- What Predicts Divorce
- Creative Problem Solving
- Healing Faith
- Crazy Christmas?
Grief Resources
The following is an excerpt of the information presented in Megan Johntz’ seminar What Predicts Divorce? and brings together many individuals' research into one seminar. For more information on the full workshop, contact Megan Johntz at Megan@PsychToolBox.com, or 314.378.3384.
WHAT PREDICTS DIVORCE?
John Gottman, Ph.D.
STABLE MARRIAGE |
PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE |
More positivity than negativity (5:1). This means for every negative statement there are 5 positive statements, or behaviors Repair attempts (attempts to get back into a loving, intimate interaction) received often Perceive partner’s negative actions as an oddity Keep no record of wrongs Know how to soothe each other and self-soothe, especially the male self-soothing after a fight Take breaks (physical or emotional) from an argument when reach an intense arousal state
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More negativity than positivity (.8 to 1) Repair attempts fail or are not received well by partner Perceive partner’s negative actions as a character trait Maintain a running score of wrongs and/or gifts and favors Male stays vigilant, aroused, and feeds distress-maintaining thoughts after an argument Don’t take breaks, or if they do, the male uses the time to rehearse distress-maintaining thoughts Male has heart beat over 100 bpm even when resting after an argument (inability to self-soothe or receive soothing from her) Male doesn’t have a good “marital poop detector” (high Negativity Threshold - definition below) Male refuses to accept influence from female, often due to a fear of losing control, resulting in his emotional withdrawal, or controlling with defensiveness & contempt plus either belligerence or domination Existence of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and/or stonewalling Negative Affect Reciprocity: best divorce indicator - definition below Distance and Isolation Cascade occurs: Flooding leads to Seeing Problems as Severe, leading to a pattern of Working Out Problems Alone, leading to Living Parallel Lives, ending in Loneliness |
DEFINITIONS:
Negativity Threshold: the point at which a person becomes so uncomfortable with a problem in the relationship they will do something about it. Having a low threshold (talking about issues early) predicts a stable, happy relationship, but only when the male does it.
Negative Affect Reciprocity: the increased probability that one person’s emotions will be negative right after a negative statement from the partner. But negative affect reciprocity in-kind (anger met with anger, etc.) doesn’t predict divorce, and exists in every relationship. However, negative affect reciprocity escalating, for example, from anger into criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling is what predicts divorce.
Flooding: a state of being “shell-shocked” by your partner’s expression of negativity. Flooded individuals often report their partner’s negativity is random, frequent, and they would do anything to stop it.
Seeing the Problem as Severe: seeing problems as severe, instead of “glorifying the struggle”.
Working Out Problems Alone: a belief that discussing the problems will be unproductive.
Living Parallel Lives: arranging your life so that it doesn’t intersect very much with your partner’s life.
Loneliness: especially for men who report minimal social support outside marriage. Loneliness (growing apart) is the number one reason most couples report for getting divorced.
Females criticize more; males stonewall (withhold interaction, especially emotions) more.
Negativity exists in every relationship and does not predict divorce or a stable, happy relationship.
A Pursuer-Distancer pattern exists in all relationships -- the female is typically the pursuer, which increases in ailing marriages. If the male brings up issues/problems, it is predictive of a long-term, healthy relationship.
Even in the most distressed relationships, repair attempts occur on average every three minutes.
His facial expressions predict the occurrence of infectious diseases she will develop in the next 4 years.
Affairs, miscommunication, arguments, and poor conflict resolution skills do not cause divorce.
FIVE LANGUAGES FOR LOVE Me My Spouse
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TEST FOR GENUINE LOVE
By Walter Trobish
THE SHARING TEST
Are we able to share together? Do I want to make my partner happy? Or do I want to become happy?
THE STRENGTH TEST
Does our love give us new strength and fill us with creative energy? Or does it take away our strength and energy?
THE RESPECT TEST
Do we truly respect each other? Are we proud of one another? Do we want to introduce each other to friends and associates? Do we respect each other's opinions and desires?
THE HABIT TEST
Do we really accept one another as we are, with all our habits and shortcomings?
THE QUARREL TEST
Are we willing and able to forgive each other and forget? Are we willing to give in to each other, or does one person do most of the giving? Do we have healthy and similar definitions of forgiveness?
THE TIME TEST
Has our love been tested by time? Have we known each other long enough to permit our love to be tested by the variety of circumstance which we will face in our married life?
EMOTIONAL MATURITY
Immaturity Maturity .
- inability to compromise - realistic: sees life, self, others as they are
- mentally or physically cruel - flexible: able to adjust to changes
- misuse of authority - self-control: able to control emotions,
- too dependent upon feelings words, and behavior
- self-pity - able to give of self in an intimate friendship
- compulsive revenge-taker
- self-defensive
- violent quarreling
- irresponsible
MARRIAGE KILLERS
DR. JAMES DOBSON
exhaustion
financial debt
selfishness
in-law and family of origin issues
expectations
space invaders (i.e.: jealousy, low self-esteem, etc.)
alcohol or drug abuse
other addictions (i.e.: pornography, gambling, etc.)
infidelity
business failure
business success
married too young
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TEN RULES FOR LOVE
STERNBERG (1988)
Successful partners do not take their relationship for granted.
Successful partners make their relationship an important priority.
Successful partners actively seek to meet each other's needs.
Successful partners know when and when not to change in response to the other.
Successful partners value themselves.
Successful partners love each other, not their idealization of each other.
Successful partners tolerate what they cannot change.
Successful partners are open with each other.
Successful partners make good times together and grow through the bad ones.
Successful partners do unto each other as they would have the other do unto them.
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LOVE
MEGAN A. JOHNTZ, M.S., L.P.C.
Untiring
Gentle, compassionate, friendly
Wants the best for the other
Humble
Polite
Giving, seeking the other's interest
Understanding, enjoys and encourages laughter
Forgiving
Seeks out and enjoys good, positive things
Puts God first, unifying the couple under one common belief, set of life goals, and source of power and comfort
Provides safety, physically, emotionally, and spiritually
Expects, assumes, and imagines the relationship will flourish
Is persistent
You can count on it - rest comfortably in it.
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These questions and experiments are excerpted from Megan Johntz’s workshop on Creative Problem Solving. For more information on the full workshop, contact Megan at 314.378.3384 or by email at Megan@PsychToolBox.com.
Creative Problem Solving
Often we solve problems only to find they come up again next week. At the end of life, people see fairly clearly what the real, underlying issues were, but when you’re 35 sometimes it’s difficult to see. Through a series of question and experiments, you can dig in and determine what the main issue is. Tackle that, and you’re likely to finish the issue -- actually solve the problem. In my private practice, I’ve seen hundreds of people who have been hunting down the wrong animal for years. Frustration, anger, sadness, feeling like they’re ineffective, they fall on my couch and ask, ‘Why isn’t it working?’ Taking a step back, asking what the real goal is, and finding the true problem, is the first step. Let’s take a look at some simple questions that can lead you to hunt the right animal.
Ask yourself these questions. It also helps to write it down, even carrying that journal with you during the day, because realizations arrive at the strangest of times.
- What do I want to be when I grow up?
- You schedule an interview with God. What does He say your purpose is in your family? in your church? in your community? in your relationship with Him?
- What was that experiment like for you?
- What was the first answer that popped in your head?
- How much time during your typical day do you spend on this primary goal/purpose?
- How do you get in the way of your own brain and neglect to see the goal attained?
- How does the chatter in your head sabotage your goal?
- How do you box yourself in? With that in mind, how can you temporarily alter restrictions to see more clearly?
- How do you get stuck in achieving the goals you've set for yourself?
- What benefits do I obtain by focusing on side issues? (Spend some time here, because there are usually quite a few.)
- What situation in life has forced you to solve problems creatively, use your resources, and examine your goals closely ?
- So now, what's the Real Problem? We often try to straighten chairs on the Titanic - solving the wrong problem. This leads to a reoccurrence of the problem, increase of other problems associated with not fixing it right the first time, lost time, energy, and definitely increased frustration. Through creative problem solving, your goal setting is more on target.
- Experiment:
- (see if the goals you set, lock you into the solution you get.)
- You are waiting for a bus, and once again you realize you don't have the correct change. What is the problem?
- how are you going to get the exact change before the bus arrives
- what can you do after you get on the bus without correct change
- how can you get there another way
- how can you make this trip later
- how can you prevent this from happening again
- why do you procrastinate getting change made
- What is the true goal?
- obtaining exact change before the bus arrives
- obtaining change after you get on the bus
- getting to your destination another way
- making this trip later
- preventing this from happening again
- learning how not to procrastinate
If I have the goal of getting correct change before the bus arrives, I walk into a flower shop nearby and make change. What if the more beneficial goal was to learn how not to procrastinate? I have simply put a Band-Aid on the problem by not examining my goals closely enough to know the real problem, thereby coming up with a long-term solution.
Ask yourself this question frequently: If I were not worrying about __________, what would issue would I have to face? For example, if I weren’t mad about him not taking the garbage out, what would I be mad at? Or, if I look behind the problem, what causal problem do I find? This question asks you to step back and analyze if you're working on the right goal instead of wasting time on side issues, and realizing when you’re 80 what issue really needed to be addressed.
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Healing Faith
“God bless us, everyone.” -- Tiny Tim
”In God we trust.” -- The money in your wallet
I dare take on one of two subjects our mothers told us not to discuss in polite company, unless you want an argument. Religion. Can a religious faith help a person heal physically, mentally, or socially? And if so, might health-care professionals be responsible for including this facet into treatment of physical, mental, and emotional illness?
Healthcare professionals are charged with educating clients on tools we may not even utilize ourselves, if we know they will help. (Ask any physician who smokes, and he or she will advise you against it.) We are also called to speak the uncomfortable, challenging harmful ideas and beliefs. I find it interesting that therapists will “preach” a right way of thinking through cognitive-behavioral interventions, physicians advocate a positive self-care through sleep, diet, exercise, and medication options, but many helping professionals run from addressing possible benefits of faith with our clients as a taboo subject.
Post-Renaissance, the Scientific Revolution served to distance science from the Church that, as the keeper of dogma and orthodoxy, was invested in restraining new knowledge. This led to a splitting of the human being into soul, cared for by religion, and the body/mind cared for by science.
Recently scientists have started reclaiming access to the spiritual world, by studying the connection between faith and physical, mental, emotional, and social health. Some of their findings are summarized below.
A strong faith has been associated with:
- increased life expectancy
- lower rates of cardiac disease, pulmonary tuberculosis, pulmonary emphysema, cirrhosis of the liver, and cancer (especially lung, bladder, and colon)
- greater marital and overall life satisfaction
- increased self-esteem and social support, and lower suicide rates
- reduced drug use, including nicotine, in adults and adolescents
- improved adjustment and coping skills
- reduced overall psychological symptoms, such as anxiety, death anxiety, depression, isolation, and hostility
- reduced blood pressure
- less vaginal infections/diseases, and cervical cancer
There are several studies indicating that intercessory prayer actually affects physical health, such as surgery complications, life-threatening events, and recovery rates. A few experiments indicate prayer even stimulates plant growth. There are also some interesting, but small-subject studies, suggesting that prayer affects life expectancy of leukemic children. Much more study is required in the area of prayer’s ability to create positive changes in our lives.
Most Americans are religious: a 35 year look at Gallop polls shows a consistent 95% of Americans believe in God, and 76% pray on a regular basis.
Given the positive psychological, physical, and social effects of religious faith, healthcare professionals may find this as much a valid intervention as a healthier diet or a stress-reduction program. And given the prevalence of people professing a faith a well-rounded treatment program needs to include this powerful tool. Being a psychotherapist, I’ve been in a privileged position to assist clients in changing their very lives. And I’ve seen more long-lasting healing take place when clients strengthen their relationship with God. Now I just need to write an article on Politics and mental health, and I’ll stir up everyone.
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Crazy Christmas
For many Christians, December brings dread. One of the most potentially spiritual times of the year is clouded with chaos, bad memories of Christmases gone wrong, dread of the same old family arguments, or of being alone. Let’s take a look at cleaning up this holiday, and returning Christmas to its Silent Night reality.
The following is a worksheet excerpt from Megan Johntz’s seminar on Handling the Holidays for churches wanting to turn off the stress, and turn up the Spirit of the season. For more information on the full seminar, contact Megan Johntz at 314.378.3384, or Megan@PsychToolBox.com. The worksheet that follows is one straight from the seminar, and if you’ve taken the seminar, feel free to print off as many worksheets as you’d like.
Ask yourself these questions slowly. I say slowly because that’s the start of taking control of this next holiday season - giving time and attention to the things you call most important.
THE HOLIDAYS MEAN:
______ Family
______ Solitude
______ Big family
______ Small family
______ Friends
______ Family of birth
______ Family of choice
______ Volunteering
______ Thankfulness
______ Travel
______ Celebration
______ Loneliness
______ Humor
______ Time with God
______ Sadness
______ Worry
______ Time slows down
______ Time speeds up
______ Money
______ Feeling overwhelmed
______ Vacation
______ Music
______ Stress
______ Anger
______ Food
______ Relaxation
______ Confusion
______ Work
______ Happiness
______ Peace
______ Fear
______ Anticipation
______ Spiritual renewal
______ Jealousy
______ Excitement
______ _____________________
This holiday season, I'd like to decrease:
____________________________ ____________________________
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This holiday season, I'd like to increase:
____________________________ ____________________________
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____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________
TOOLS I LEARNED TODAY TO GET CLOSER TO MY GOALS:
Decreasing:
____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________
Increasing:
____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________
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____________________________ ____________________________
Contact Johntz Presentations today and
put PsychTools to work for your organization's success.