The following is an excerpt of the information presented in Megan Johntz’ seminar What Predicts Divorce? and brings together many individuals' research into one seminar. For more information on the full workshop, contact Megan Johntz at Megan@PsychToolBox.com, or 314.378.3384.

 

 

WHAT PREDICTS DIVORCE?

John Gottman, Ph.D.

 

STABLE  MARRIAGE

PREDICTORS  OF  DIVORCE

  • More positivity than negativity (5:1). This means for every negative statement there are 5 positive statements, or behaviors

  • Repair attempts (attempts to get back into a loving, intimate interaction) received often

  • Perceive partner’s negative actions as an oddity

  • Keep no record of wrongs

  • Know how to soothe each other and self-soothe, especially the male self-soothing after a fight

  • Take breaks (physical or emotional) from an argument when reach an intense arousal state

 

 

  • More negativity than positivity (.8 to 1)

  • Repair attempts fail or are not received well by partner

  • Perceive partner’s negative actions as a character trait

  • Maintain a running score of wrongs and/or gifts and favors

  • Male stays vigilant, aroused, and feeds distress-maintaining thoughts after an argument

  • Don’t take breaks, or if they do, the male uses the time to rehearse distress-maintaining thoughts

  • Male has heart beat over 100 bpm even when resting after an argument (inability to self-soothe or receive soothing from her)

  • Male doesn’t have a good “marital poop detector” (high Negativity Threshold - definition below)

  • Male refuses to accept influence from female, often due to a fear of losing control, resulting in his emotional withdrawal, or controlling with defensiveness & contempt plus either belligerence or domination

  • Existence of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and/or stonewalling

  • Negative Affect Reciprocity: best divorce indicator - definition below

  • Distance and Isolation Cascade occurs: Flooding leads to Seeing Problems as Severe, leading to a pattern of Working Out Problems Alone, leading to Living Parallel Lives, ending in Loneliness

 

DEFINITIONS:

Negativity Threshold: the point at which a person becomes so uncomfortable with a problem in the relationship they will do something about it. Having a low threshold (talking about issues early) predicts a stable, happy relationship, but only when the male does it.

Negative Affect Reciprocity: the increased probability that one person’s emotions will be negative right after a negative statement from the partner. But negative affect reciprocity in-kind (anger met with anger, etc.) doesn’t predict divorce, and exists in every relationship. However, negative affect reciprocity escalating, for example, from anger into criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling is what predicts divorce.

Flooding: a state of being “shell-shocked” by your partner’s expression of negativity. Flooded individuals often report their partner’s negativity is random, frequent, and they would do anything to stop it.

Seeing the Problem as Severe: seeing problems as severe, instead of “glorifying the struggle”.

Working Out Problems Alone: a belief that discussing the problems will be unproductive.

Living Parallel Lives: arranging your life so that it doesn’t intersect very much with your partner’s life.

Loneliness: especially for men who report minimal social support outside marriage. Loneliness (growing apart) is the number one reason most couples report for getting divorced.

Females criticize more; males stonewall (withhold interaction, especially emotions) more.

Negativity exists in every relationship and does not predict divorce or a stable, happy relationship.

A Pursuer-Distancer pattern exists in all relationships -- the female is typically the pursuer, which increases in ailing marriages.  If the male brings up issues/problems, it is predictive of a long-term, healthy relationship.

Even in the most distressed relationships, repair attempts occur on average every three minutes.

His facial expressions predict the occurrence of infectious diseases she will develop in the next 4 years.

Affairs, miscommunication, arguments, and poor conflict resolution skills do not cause divorce.

 

 

 

 

 

 

FIVE  LANGUAGES  FOR  LOVE

 

                                                          Me               My Spouse   

 

Acts of Service

 

Words of Encouragement

 

Gift-giving

 

Quality Time

 

Physical Touch and Closeness

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TEST  FOR  GENUINE  LOVE

By Walter Trobish

 

THE SHARING TEST

Are we able to share together? Do I want to make my partner happy? Or do I want to become happy?

THE STRENGTH TEST

Does our love give us new strength and fill us with creative energy? Or does it take away our strength and energy?

THE RESPECT TEST

Do we truly respect each other? Are we proud of one another? Do we want to introduce each other to friends and associates? Do we respect each other's opinions and desires?

THE HABIT TEST

Do we really accept one another as we are, with all our habits and shortcomings?

THE QUARREL TEST

Are we willing and able to forgive each other and forget? Are we willing to give in to each other, or does one person do most of the giving? Do we have healthy and similar definitions of forgiveness?

THE TIME TEST

Has our love been tested by time? Have we known each other long enough to permit our love to be tested by the variety of circumstance which we will face in our married life?

 

 

 

 

 

EMOTIONAL  MATURITY

 

            Immaturity                                                               Maturity                            .

- inability to compromise                                 - realistic: sees life, self, others as they are

- mentally or physically cruel                            - flexible: able to adjust to changes

- misuse of authority                                     - self-control: able to control emotions,

- too dependent upon feelings                                   words, and behavior

- self-pity                                                     - able to give of self in an intimate friendship

- compulsive revenge-taker                                      

- self-defensive                                                

- violent quarreling

- irresponsible

 

 

 

MARRIAGE  KILLERS __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DR. JAMES DOBSON

 

  • exhaustion

  • financial debt

  • selfishness

  • in-law and family of origin issues

  • expectations

  • space invaders (i.e.: jealousy, low self-esteem, etc.)

  • alcohol or drug abuse

  • other addictions (i.e.: pornography, gambling, etc.)

  • infidelity

  • business failure

  • business success

  • married too young

 

TEN  RULES  FOR  LOVE

STERNBERG (1988)

 

  • Successful partners do not take their relationship for granted.                                    

  • Successful partners make their relationship an important priority.           

  • Successful partners actively seek to meet each other's needs.                          

  • Successful partners know when and when not to change in response to the other.

  • Successful partners value themselves.                                                                  

  • Successful partners love each other, not their idealization of each other.              

  • Successful partners tolerate what they cannot change.                                    

  • Successful partners are open with each other.                                                  

  • Successful partners make good times together and grow through the bad ones.   

  • Successful partners do unto each other as they would have the other do unto them.

 

 

LOVE

MEGAN A. JOHNTZ, M.S., L.P.C.

  • Untiring

  • Gentle, compassionate, friendly

  • Wants the best for the other

  • Humble

  • Polite

  • Giving, seeking the other's interest

  • Understanding, enjoys and encourages laughter

  • Forgiving

  • Seeks out and enjoys good, positive things

  • Puts God first, unifying the couple under one common belief, set of life goals, and source of power and comfort

  • Provides safety, physically, emotionally, and spiritually

  • Expects, assumes, and imagines the relationship will flourish

  • Is persistent

  • You can count on it - rest comfortably in it.

 

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