UN-COUPLING

How You Get From "Til Death" to Divorce

            The process by which two people separate from one another is much like the dating/marriage progression in reverse. There is an easily identifiable pattern to couples breaking up, although it must not be seen as completely black and white, or like a conveyor belt that you can't stop or turn around.

The typical pattern to breaking up includes:

• The person who wants out - the "initiator" - begins to psychologically distance.  His or her partner usually reports not being aware this was going on.

• Initiators seek outside confidants, whether friends, a lover, counselors, or family.

• Initiators begin creating a new world separate from the partner, as they test the waters to see what life without the partner would be like.  They may take vacations alone, insist that the partner does not share a new-found hobby, read works divergent from previously held beliefs or beliefs held by the partner, etc.

• As the uncoupling increases, the partner becomes aware that something is wrong and may become frightened or angry.  At this point a confrontation usually arises, instigated by some distancing behavior on the part of the initiator.  This stage is the first time the couple will discuss openly the troubles in the marriage, even though the initiator has to a large extent already disengaged.

• The partner feels betrayed, shocked, angry, scared, sad, etc. as he or she realizes the full truth in a short amount of time. The initiator has also felt those same feelings - just earlier in the process - so he or she is further along in dealing with them.

• Often at this stage the partner wants to, and makes attempts to, "fix" the relationship.  Some partners and initiators succeed at turning the process around, but only when both are invested.

• Successful uncoupling is attained when both have created worlds that do not include the other physically or for the most part, mentally and emotionally. Some people however never reach this stage, and carry unresolved feelings of love, anger, grief, etc. for the rest of their lives.

Contact Johntz Presentations today and

put PsychTools to work for your organization's success.