|
|
|
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ATTRACTION The following is a look at
some of the topics covered in Megan Johntz’s workshop/keynote, “The
Psychology of Attraction (aka: Why Him?)”.
For more information on training your organization in healthy relationships,
contact Megan Johntz at 314.378.3384, Megan@PsychToolBox.com. WHY
HIM?
It may be more than his blue eyes and that
sexy ’82 Pinto he drove on your first date. Attraction theories say you might
have picked him because he reminds you of dad or mom. One theory even says we
marry the worst parts of our parents! If so, it allows you the unique
opportunity of having similar conflicts as in childhood, but this time you’re
more well-equip. Being attracted to a mini-mom or pseudo-dad can clean up
unfinished business. One dear woman in my practice had a very emotionally
distant father, and when she worked through that same issue with her husband,
her depression subsided. As an adult, she was able to have more productive
conversations than as a dependent child.
Or you may be attracted to those exactly
opposite your parents as a way of escaping the difficulties of those early
relationships. Warning: if you go
180 degrees from any point, you’re still on the same level, so relationships
with “the exact opposite” produce similar results. For example a young girl
chooses a conflict-avoidant mate after growing up with a rage-aholic father. She
now has her wish: no screaming, no slamming doors. But a closer look reveals
similar environments: both families
don’t know healthy anger expression, and children from both families become
anger-phobic. Two seemingly opposite ends produce similar results.
On a more positive note, your attractions may lead you toward someone just
like your parents because those relationships were safe and satisfying.
However, opposites do present unique opportunities to expand your
repertoire and balance you out. Often extraverts and introverts are attracted to
one another as they realize each style has benefits. Opposites attracting may be
a growing person’s search for a guide into uncharted territory.
So why do those initially attractive
characteristics often transform into the most aggravating? His sense of humor was
attractively free and uninhibited, but now
it’s annoying and overbearing. Consider this: you’ve (probably) only been
one person. Therefore you believe your life rules are normal, and it feels safer
if everyone obeys your norms. Problem:
he’s different. He doesn’t
stack the dishwasher the “right” way, and Argument #388 starts again.
Conflicts continue endlessly as we attempt to tutor others on the correct way to
do life.
However many of these conflicts drown in
the wake of education, through knowledge about, and respect for, personality
differences. As a counselor one of the most rewarding moments comes when the
light bulb clicks on, and he realizes she doesn’t “do that on purpose,”
it’s simply that “she has a different personality.” When two become one, personalities don’t melt together. One of the biggest intimacy fallacies is that couples should have the same thoughts, feelings, likes, habits and neuroses. Truly intimate couples honor differences and have less regurgitated argument as a result. Take a look at the Myers-Briggs Personality Types below and identify your personality type and your partner’s, because the first step toward honoring differences is to find them. EXTROVERTS Focus
on, and draw energy from, the outer world of people and external environment. Do
it instead of thinking about it. INTROVERTS Focus
on, and are energized by, their own inner world. Understand the world before
experiencing it. SENSORS Gain
information through the five senses, allowing them to see life's realities.
Practical, deal in the here-and-now, and are good with facts. INTUITORS Gain
information through intuition. See meanings, relationships and possibilities
beyond the facts. THINKERS Make
decisions objectively, by analyzing evidence, facts and probable outcomes.
Comfortable with objective truth. Can pinpoint what is wrong. FEELERS Make
decisions based on values held by themselves and others effected by the
decision. Are comfortable deciding against the most logical choice, as long as
they stay true to their values. Good with people. Empathetic and tactful. JUDGERS Live
in a systematic, orderly manner. Desire closure: set goal, attain goal and go
on. PERCEIVERS Live
in a flexible, open-ended manner. Continuously gather information, in an effort
to understand the world instead of control it. Adaptable and open to
spontaneity.
In this day of microwave relationships and easy outs, many couples
struggle with basic intimacy as a safety issue.
Why open up to someone completely, if there’s a 50-50 chance he’ll be
gone in five years. (And that’s just if you make it to the alter.)
Many conflicts arise as couples desire true intimacy, but run from it for
self-protection. In an increasingly frightening world, fear of abandonment
abounds, and one effective, but costly, protection against rejection is to
practice perpetual conflict.
Another popular tool for perpetuating
conflict is staying stuck in the problem. By blaming, distorting truth, and
being problem-oriented, you could keep Argument #338 alive from dating ‘til
death. Do something, anything,
different. Stay when you normally walk out. Smile or laugh when you would’ve
hit. Have a written argument sitting at the kitchen table. Break the cycle. Also
learn from the past; what did you do differently during your last productive
argument?
Some of the topics covered in
the workshop include:
Contact Johntz Presentations today and put PsychTools to work for your organization's success.
|