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MARRIAGE LIFE STAGES FROM DRIVE-IN DATES TO DEATH
The following is an excerpt form
Megan Johntz’s workshop on PsychTools for Marriage
in the twenty-first
century. This section is just one
topic covered in the workshop. For information on all the topics covered,
contact Megan at 314.378.3384, or Megan@PsychToolBox.com.
"When
two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most
delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they
will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition until death do
them part." ~ George
Bernard Shaw "The first forty years of life furnish the text, while the remaining
thirty supply the commentary." ~ Schopenauer "All
men should strive to learn before they die What
they are running from, and to, and why. ~ James Thurber, The
Shore and the Sea, 1956 "Middle
age is when your age starts to show
around your middle." ~ Bob Hope
You’ll probably go through a very specific pattern in your marriage.
The problem is, most people don’t know the progression, so pains and problems
blindside them. Let’s take a look at what most couples go through at each
major stage of the marriage process, so you’ll be able to anticipate and
handle effectively the “hidden” curveballs of marriage. We’ll learn some
exercises to warm up your brain, so no matter what life stage you’re going
through, you’ll be able to form creative solutions. You’ll learn how to keep
your brain from staring straight ahead. THE
PRE-KID, "WHO ARE
YOU?" STAGE _________________________________________________________ Family of
origin (FOO) clashes:
Problem:
Putting your foot in your brain. His
mom taught him to make a peanut butter & jelly sandwich one way, and her dad
taught her to make it another. Expectations aren't met, leading to conflicts.
Goal: Flexible partners.
Tool: Explore FOO operations manual for
each partner, especially what they expect marriage to look like.
Build flexibility by focusing on how clues may be misleading. We use
clues to make conclusions - sometimes using the same clues
over and over.
Tool: What clues are you using to make that conclusion? Reality
Check
Problem: As the relationship ages,
"for better - for worse" becomes the latter.
Goal: Work the real problem instead of
solving the side issues.
Tool: Go hunting for the real problem.
Suppose:
You are waiting for the bus, and once
again, you find you don't have the correct change.
Is the problem:
THE
"BRAND NEW
HUMAN" STAGE _________________________________________________________ "Where did I/We go?"
Problem: Diminished time spent on couple
activities and individual time.
Goal: Balance.
Tool: In through the out door.
Starting at the end and solving backwards provides creative solutions.
First you have to know the priorities of each - how much alone
time do you need to feel connected to him?
How much time do you need away from the children in order to feed your
adult self? Parenting Styles
Problem: He says a swift swat on the rump
is what taught him respect for authority. She's
a trauma survivor and sees spanking as physical violence.
Goal: Learn to see out of the corner of
your brain.
Tool: Relative logic. THE
KID-ECTOMY STAGE _________________________________________________________ "Is this my hat, or yours?"
Problem: Tim wants Tim Jr. to wear a bowler
hat like all the men before him, but Tim Jr. comes in wearing a do-rag.
Goal: Parents and teens learn appropriate
boundaries.
Tool: Getting out of your own way. You used
to give a lot of attention to how you did simple
things and now you give almost none, because you've become so used to doing it.
Allow parents to explore their natural behaviors, challenging them to adjust to
the changing boundary needs of individuating adolescents.
Tool: Temporarily alter restrictions - play
"What if?" "I heard you the 789th time you said
that!"
Problem: Finishing before starting because
you're in a relating rut. Goal:
Relate in a more flexible, productive style. Tool: Don't fall for what pops in first. Throw out the first, maybe even the second, comment, solution, or assumption that comes to mind.
THE
POST-KID, "WHO ARE
YOU?" STAGE _________________________________________________________ Reconstituted relationship
Problem: After the spotlight on children
dies down, a couple may find little reason to stay together.
Goal: Refocus on, and rediscover various
aspects of relationship.
Tool: List before you look. Lists help look
at things in a different way, and look at more things. List who you think your
spouse is, and then look for a week, asking why. List old hurts, and rate
intensity today. What now?
Problem: One of a parents' main jobs is to
work themselves out of a job, but when that happens mom or dad may not know what
they want to do.
Goal: Redirect energies formerly available
for childrearing to individual, couple, and/or community
interests.
Tool: Sharpen your senses again to tune
into you. Exercise the ability to know your desires
and strengths/weaknesses. Learn
your own needs to gain the answers to important life questions:
Contact Johntz Presentations today and put PsychTools to work for your organization's success.
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