DIVORCE

A  PRIMER

 

(The following is an excerpt from Megan Johntz’s workshop on Divorce Recovery. For more information contact Megan at 314.378.3384, or email Megan@PsychToolBox.com.)

 

            So many things happen emotionally, spiritually, socially, financially, psychologically, mentally, and even physically when we leave a husband or wife. In the next several minutes, take some time to simply think through some of the following questions and information. If you’re like most divorcing people, your mind will wander from this task many times before you’re done with it, so give yourself permission to take it slowly. Like one of my clients, you may find you’ve put your purse in the microwave, because almost every aspect of your life is in turmoil right now.

Let’s take a quick look at why this event is so traumatic, and how to get through it as smoothly as possible. This will not be all the information you’ll need, in the least, but it’s a good starting place.

            Ask yourself these questions, and you may want to jot down a few thought or feelings as you go. One of the best tools for healing I’ve found, is journaling; most people gain great relief from pain, and great insight by simply writing.

  • What does it feel like to be divorced or separated?

  • How do you feel right now?

  • What do you expect to gain from divorcing or separating?

  • What percentage of you wants to get back together?

  • How will you know you are "recovered" from the divorce?

  • How long do you expect this process to take?

  • What can you do to slow down your healing?

  • How is this affecting you mentally?

  • How is this affecting you physically?

  • How is this affecting you spiritually?

  • How is this affecting you financially?

  • How is this affecting you socially?

  • How is this affecting you emotionally?

 

Types of divorce:

  • third-party divorce (aka: the other lover divorce) the affair is often a symptom of other marital distress

  • problem divorce - an on-going problem like alcoholism drives a wedge between the two

  • identity or changing role divorce - one or both of the two has an identity crisis, or someone’s role has changed and is now undesirable to the other

  • annulment divorce - there are extenuating circumstances as to why the two married

  • family divorce - either family of origin came between the two

  • ambivalent divorce - two people have lead separate lives for a period of time, in essence emotionally divorcing long ago

 

Divorce / Healthy Divorcing

At first you just survive. Shock is common, and can be good. The four major tasks of a divorcing person:

  • survival

  • dealing with emotions

  • forming an identity without your spouse

  • setting new goals

 

Uncoupling

There is a very specific process couples go through to start a relationship, and there is a very specific process couples go through to uncouple. (See the Uncoupling page.)

 

Emotions

Your emotions are probably running amok like an unruly child. Or you may go through periods of no feeling at all - totally numb. You may feel excited or happy at times, and then feel guilty that you’re feeling happy at such a tumultuous time. Most people when asked “What do you feel right now?” can’t identify the feeling. It’s necessary to identify feelings, because they can lead you to behave in certain ways, some of which you may not want to do. If you can catch yourself when you, for example, start feeling angry, you can deal with it productively instead of it getting out of control, and you end up kicking the cat.

It’s also important to identify what your emotions are doing for health reasons. Science is just now finding out what a dramatic role emotions play in our physical health. When struggling to decipher your feelings, I’ve found it works well with most people to simplify it, especially during times of high stress, like during a divorce. Several times an hour ask yourself what you’re feeling. Distill it down into one of the basic four.

There are basically four main emotions:

  • Anger

  • Fear

  • Sadness

  • Happiness

Most people do well to keep a log or journal of their emotions during the day. It helps speed recovery through traumatic times. At the end of the day, write when you felt the above basic four feelings. As a side note, one of the benefits of going through a tumultuous time like divorce, is that you get to know yourself a lot better! Try not to miss the opportunity to turn something painful into a great learning experience. I don’t wish pain on anyone, but try to get as much good out of a bad situation as you can!

 

Letting Go

            There are five elements to grief. You’ll usually hear them called the five stages of grief, but that can mislead people into thinking you go through stage 1, then stage 2, and so on. The five elements of grief are normally described as:

  • Denial

  • Anger

  • Bargaining

  • Depression

  •  Acceptance

Again, you’ll hit all of these several times a day, usually. Please give yourself permission to grieve, instead of doing the Academy-Award Grief. People who fake it and tell everyone how wonderful they’re doing, take much longer to heal from divorce, and find themselves more isolated than ever, because they’ve let no one in.

 

Adjusting the framework

            One of the most beneficial tools a divorcing person can master is taking charge of the head. Your head affects your heart and your hands - what you feel and what you do. Watch what your mind tells you about your worth, your future, your ability to survive or prosper, etc. It’s almost like some people have a comforting, encouraging advocate talking to them all day long, and some people have a punitive, condemning schoolteacher in their heads. Any idea which person will prosper through a bad situation and which will struggle? Their situations may be the same, but the talk inside their heads is what makes the difference. Take a while and think through these areas of headwork:

Forgiveness

  • What does it mean to truly forgive someone, or forgive yourself?

  • What framework am I working under? "I'm OK - but my ex isn't", “My ex is OK, but I’m not.”

Adjustments to single life

  • What are the advantages?

  • What are the disadvantages?

  • What are the good characteristics I have that others will see in dating me?

  • What are the basic personality characteristics I need in a mate?

  • Do I want to meet people yet?

  • When will I know when it’s time for me to date?

  • What are the advantages / disadvantages of dating again?

Moving on

  • What motivates me?

  • What have I learned from my past experiences that will help me in this current situation?

  • What is my part in the dissolution of the relationship? Taking responsibility for your part allows you to work on it, become a more flexible and balanced person, and then leave those mistakes in the past relationship. Your next relationship will mimic your last one, unless you hunt down and kill your own monsters.

 

Some Basics

            Even through a rough divorce, you can follow some simple guidelines and get as much good out of a bad situation as possible. A good starting place:

  • Put a child's welfare above any differences with the ex-spouse. Put the child's welfare above any personal difficulties.

  • Increase outside support systems, since most often it will decrease as mutual friends disappear. 

  • Talk about the full range of emotions and thoughts with safe people, and realize the process of grieving a marriage takes from one to three years.

  • Learn how to communicate effectively, honestly and clearly with your ex-partner.  Those who do report less parenting troubles as well as an easier time moving on to other relationships.

  • Take special care to eat well, exercise regularly and get 8-10 hours of sleep.  These three things can dramatically reduce the incidence of depression and anxiety attacks.

  • Realize this may also be an opportunity to learn more about better relationships and life goals.

 

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